It’s been a truly torrid few days for the hard man of F1. Drivers squabbling like schoolkids and threatening to collect their toys and go home, sinister machinations at the FIA, constructors’ points docked and this epic blood feud with the family men from the Scuderia on his hands, to be carried on unto his sons and his sons’ sons. Surely he must wake up some mornings and ask himself: is all this worthwhile?
Well, should motor racing start to pall, we’d like to suggest a new career. When Alan Sugar tires of bollocking young business hopefuls on The Apprentice, wouldn’t Mr D be the perfect replacement?
Picture the scene… Here he is, seated behind that long, shiny table with minions on either side. Maybe Martin Whitmarsh will be still available to play Mr Nice to his Mr Nasty. The door opens and the first victim enters, a personable young black guy with an engaging smile. He’s motioned to a seat which he takes, nervously.
Ron: Well then, Lewis, you made a complete balls-up of this last task. What have you got to say for yourself?
Lewis: It wasn’t my fault, Mr Dennis, I gave it everything I had, but I got no help whatsoever from the other team members…
Ron: I don’t want to hear excuses…
Lewis: You know that I’ve been working for this opportunity my whole life, I know I can do it, I have what it takes, it’s just that this Alonso guy keeps getting in my way.
Ron: Alright, let’s hear what he has to say about it. Bring him in…
The door opens again to reveal an unusually clean-cut Spaniard who looks as if he may have just finished having a quick shave in the gents’ bathroom.
Ron: I’ve been hearing how you’re not a team player. What have you got to say for yourself?
Fernando: So what if that’s true? Everybody knows that I’m the big talent around here, I should be allowed to do my stuff, not find this kid under my feet every time I try to clinch the big one.
Ron: Alright, alright, I’ve heard enough. You know that one of you gets the chop right now. Fernando, there’s no doubt you’ve got what it takes but I just don’t know if you’ll fit in with my company. Lewis, I’ve followed my instincts with you from the beginning, watched you come up through the ranks the hard way… Yes, I’ve made my decision. Fernando, I’m sorry, you’re a great talent but… You’re fired.
Great idea, isn’t it? Remember, you heard it here first…